STASI: The One Winner In 2017 Is Donald Trump

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The 2 largest tales of the 12 months — the continued turmoil of the presidency and the huge sexual misconduct allegations towards essentially the most highly effective males in America start and finish with one man: Donald Trump.

The Donald promised to seize ’em by the p—y, and as a substitute grabbed us all by the b—s, successful the 2016 election towards unattainable odds and an equally unattainable candidate, Hillary Clinton.

She instantly took to her mattress, had a breakdown and a stiff drink. Hillary was, in actual fact, the one presidential candidate in latest reminiscence who didn’t even present up at her occasion to thank her supporters.

She despatched flummoxed flunky John Podesta, who informed everybody to go house. Option to go. Dwelling.

Donald had bullied Hillary out of the presidency and Hillary had big-moneyed Bernie out of the candidacy. Donald? He was in favor of each.

Inside seconds of successful the electoral vote and dropping the favored vote by practically three million, Trump started Making America Grate Once more by making an attempt to return America to the “good outdated days” — 1860 — when blacks knew their place, (“Have a look at my African-American over right here!”), coal was king and girls have been chattel.

Proudly uninformed of the regulation, he fired the FBI director, lied that his dopey son-in-law Jared Kushner and even dopier son Donald Jr. hadn’t met with Russian operatives, kowtowed to election-interloper Vlad the Impaler Putin who allegedly has tape of Trump doing nasty issues with Russian hookers, created a bigots’ journey ban, defended white supremacists, turned brother towards sister, made pretend Time journal covers of himself, employed and fired half the unfit people on Wall Avenue, engaged in petty Twitter wars worthy of film imply ladies, introduced that what we’d like is a few good outdated world warming, handed a tax invoice that may, as promised, make his wealthy buddies quite a bit richer, embarrassed himself with world leaders, twitter-threatened nuclear holocaust, declared the return of “Merry Christmas” and acknowledged Jerusalem because the capital of Israel which, in flip, brought on Jesus’ house city of Nazareth to cancel all Christmas celebrations.

Briefly, the person makes George W. Bush appear to be Stephen Hawking.

On an equally absurdly disgusting and harmful entrance, 2017 noticed the autumn of moguls for sexual harassment, assault, rape and exposing themselves.

Seems the one distinction between, say, Harvey Weinstein and the perv on the F practice is that Weinstein doesn’t take the subway.

And it took ladies to develop into as highly effective as these pervs to convey them down.

Over 100 of essentially the most highly effective males in media, enterprise and politics, from Kevin Spacey to Matt Lauer, Charlie Rose, Mario Battali, James Levine, Al Franken, Gene Simmons and Roy Moore have been dropped at their knees — proper the place they anticipated ladies to be. Or in Moore’s case, make that younger ladies.

Meantime, Invoice O’Reilly should be kicking himself within the pants for paying out near $50 million to close up ladies who didn’t.

The one winner in all that is, once more, improbably, Donald Trump. He’s received 19 sexual misconduct allegations towards him. These guys misplaced every little thing and he gained the presidency.

Completely satisfied New Worry, er, 12 months!

WORDS WITH FRIENDS — AND ENEMIES

In the event you’ve simply turned on CNN or Fox Information after a year-long sleep, first off, fortunate you. Second, relax. You haven’t misplaced your thoughts. Right here then, the meanings of 10 new phrases that both didn’t exist or hardly existed earlier than one man tried to Make America Nice Once more.

1. Faux Information: Disclaimers by the White Home of the true information as they exist earlier than our very eyes

2. Different Details: See above

three. Sexual Misconduct: Umbrella-like time period for rape, assault, indecent publicity, sexual harassment, groping, touching and masturbating in entrance of horrified ladies by a number of the richest and strongest males on planet Earth (and probably each different planet the place males exist)

four. #MeToo: The rallying cry for ladies who’ve been victimized with all the above, BY all the above

5. Covfefe: Essentially the most well-known thriller phrase tweeted in 2017 by the Preshadent of the Uniided Schstaesh

6. Little Rocket Man: The identify given by the person with the worst combover in human historical past to the person with the worst haircut in inhumane historical past

7. Taking the Knee: Begun as a protest towards police racial brutality, it was reignited by the person (see above) towards the participant with the largest hair in NFL historical past

eight. F*%#ing (as interpreted by the White Home): Rex Tillerson on Trump: “F*%#ing moron.” Ivanka Trump on Steve Bannon: “F*%#ing liar.” Anthony Scaramucci on Reince Priebus: “F*%#ing paranoid schizophrenic.” Un-f*%#ing plausible.

9. Some Very Nice Folks: Previously often called the KKK and/or white supremacists.

10: Despacito: Track title meaning “slowly,” which rapidly grew to become essentially the most considered YouTube video of all time and sure essentially the most sung phrase of the 12 months. Nevertheless, it ought to have been referred to as “Caseoso” as a result of the translated lyrics are the cheesiest since Céline Dion punched her chest. “I wish to breathe in your neck slowly?” Eeew, no.

KELLYANNE CONWAY — RAISED BY WOLVES?

Someplace there was a cave with a bunch of wolves questioning why the human lady they raised from delivery had deserted them for D.C.

Kellyanne Conway, well-known fact-contortionist, managed to contort herself right into a crouch-on-the-couch-with-shoes pose on Feb. 28, snapping pix within the Oval Workplace because the President of the USA met with presidents of traditionally black universities and faculties who, in flip, stared in disbelief.

Hey, you may take the lady out of the cave, however you may’t take the cave out of the lady. Marvel if she’s realized to make use of the indoor plumbing since then.

WASPS IN YOUR HOO-HOO

In an ever-desperate try to make the girl bits extra — what? — interesting, ladies devolved in 2017 from merely having boiling scorching wax poured onto their hoo-hoos like one thing out of the Torquemada playbook, to placing wasp nests proper in it.

Etsy.com began promoting “oak galls,” made out of wasp nest larvae, for vaginal tightening. After all your vagina would tighten up. Poor factor’s making an attempt to forestall wasps from getting in!

The oak galls are blended with ground-up sandalwood, as a result of who doesn’t need their vajayjays to odor just like the 1970s?

The positioning even affords a French handmade speculum (for what, OB/GYN house exams by French individuals?) and reusable crocheted tampons that may, the positioning guarantees, “scale back the carbon footprint.”

Wouldn’t it have been a helluva lot simpler to only stick to the Paris local weather accord?

CELEBRITY MALFUNCTIONS

Proving that and cents don’t equal widespread sense:

Jan. 10: Meryl Streep on the Golden Globes — a pretend awards present run by a handful of freeloading international freelancers with out jobs — mentioned pompously to the room of overpaid, coddled, wealthy and adored stars: We “belong to essentially the most vilified segments in American society proper now. Give it some thought: Hollywood, foreigners and the press.” Actually? Take into consideration this as a substitute: These freelancers aren’t press, the foreigners are worshiped, and Streep reportedly makes $5 million a film …

June three: After the Trump household complained that Kathy Griffin held up a purple, dismembered head of the pinnacle of their household (who occurs to be the President), the comedian held a press convention to whine that they have been bullying her, and that the Secret Service was, in consequence, enthusiastic about her. Complain? She ought to have rejoiced. This was the primary time anyone’d been enthusiastic about her in years …

Feb. eight: Tweet by Betsy DeVos, Secretary of Schooling who by no means taught or attended public college: “Day 1 on the job is completed, however simply getting began. Now the place do I discover the pencils? :)”

 
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