STASI: Ten Phrases We Realized In 2017 From President Trump

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Should you’ve simply turned on CNN or Fox Information after a year-long sleep, first off, fortunate you. Second, settle down. You haven’t misplaced your thoughts. Right here then, the meanings of 10 new phrases that both didn’t exist or hardly existed earlier than one man tried to Make America Nice Once more.

1. Pretend Information: Disclaimers by the White Home of the true info as they exist earlier than our very eyes

2. Alernative Info: See above

three. Sexual Misconduct: Umbrella-like time period for rape, assault, indecent publicity, sexual harassment, groping, touching and masturbating in entrance of horrified ladies by a few of the richest and strongest males on planet Earth (and probably each different planet the place males exist)

four. #MeToo: The rallying cry for ladies who’ve been victimized with the entire above, BY the entire above

5. Covfefe: Probably the most well-known thriller phrase tweeted in 2017 by the Preshadent of the Uniided Schstaesh

6. Little Rocket Man: The identify given by the person with the worst combover in human historical past to the person with the worst haircut in inhumane historical past

7. Taking the Knee: Begun as a protest in opposition to police racial brutality, it was reignited by the person (see above) in opposition to the participant with the largest hair in NFL historical past

eight. F*%#ing (as interpreted by the White Home): Rex Tillerson on Trump: “F*%#ing moron.” Ivanka Trump on Steve Bannon: “F*%#ing liar.” Anthony Scaramucci on Reince Priebus: “F*%#ing paranoid schizophrenic.” Un-f*%#ing plausible.

9. Some Very Superb Folks: Previously referred to as the KKK and/or white supremacists.

10: Despacito: Track title which means “slowly,” which shortly grew to become essentially the most considered YouTube video of all time and sure essentially the most sung phrase of the yr. Nonetheless, it ought to have been referred to as “Caseoso” as a result of the translated lyrics are the cheesiest since Céline Dion punched her chest. “I need to breathe in your neck slowly?” Eeew, no.

KELLYANNE CONWAY — RAISED BY WOLVES?

Someplace there was a cave with a bunch of wolves questioning why the human lady they raised from delivery had deserted them for D.C.

Kellyanne Conway, well-known fact-contortionist, managed to contort herself right into a crouch-on-the-couch-with-shoes pose on Feb. 28, snapping pix within the Oval Workplace because the President of america met with presidents of traditionally black universities and schools who, in flip, stared in disbelief.

Hey, you’ll be able to take the lady out of the cave, however you’ll be able to’t take the cave out of the lady. Marvel if she’s realized to make use of the indoor plumbing since then.

WASPS IN YOUR HOO-HOO

In an ever-desperate try and make the girl bits extra — what? — interesting, ladies devolved in 2017 from merely having boiling scorching wax poured onto their hoo-hoos like one thing out of the Torquemada playbook, to placing wasp nests proper in it.

Etsy.com began promoting “oak galls,” produced from wasp nest larvae, for vaginal tightening. In fact your vagina would tighten up. Poor factor’s making an attempt to forestall wasps from getting in!

The oak galls are blended with ground-up sandalwood, as a result of who doesn’t need their vajayjays to scent just like the 1970s?

The location even gives a French handmade speculum (for what, OB/GYN residence exams by French folks?) and reusable crocheted tampons that can, the location guarantees, “cut back the carbon footprint.”

Wouldn’t it have been a helluva lot simpler to simply keep on with the Paris local weather accord?

CELEBRITY MALFUNCTIONS

Proving that and cents don’t equal widespread sense:

Jan. 10: Meryl Streep on the Golden Globes — a pretend awards present run by a handful of freeloading international freelancers with out jobs — mentioned pompously to the room of overpaid, coddled, wealthy and adored stars: We “belong to essentially the most vilified segments in American society proper now. Give it some thought: Hollywood, foreigners and the press.” Actually? Take into consideration this as a substitute: These freelancers aren’t press, the foreigners are worshiped, and Streep reportedly makes $5 million a film …

June three: After the Trump household complained that Kathy Griffin held up a purple, dismembered head of the pinnacle of their household (who occurs to be the President), the comedian held a press convention to whine that they have been bullying her, and that the Secret Service was, in consequence, serious about her. Complain? She ought to have rejoiced. This was the primary time anyone’d been serious about her in years …

Feb. eight: Tweet by Betsy DeVos, Secretary of Schooling who by no means taught or attended public faculty: “Day 1 on the job is finished, however simply getting began. Now the place do I discover the pencils? :)”

 
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